Supporting a Loved One with an Eating Disorder

By Tracy Narins Welchoff, Ph.D. 
Having someone you care about struggling with an eating disorder is understandably upsetting.  It can also be confusing, leaving you feeling like everything you say or do is somehow “wrong”.  Although this is certainly not the case, the constant, high level of anxiety that comes with an eating disorder can make for some tricky situations.  Although it would be impossible to provide a complete list of ways to be supportive, here is a place to start.

1. Acknowledge how hard this is for them.  Without judgment, let them know that you see how difficult it is to fight the eating disorder.  Say that you are proud of them for facing this battle, remind them that you are on their side, and just be there to support, hug, or listen.
2. Repeat as often as necessary: “Giving up is not an option- I will never stop fighting to rescue you from your eating disorder.”
3. Separate the eating disorder from “real” person.  Remind them often: “You are not your eating disorder”.  You can say this directly, and it is equally important to demonstrate this by talking about other aspects of their lives, such as friends, interests, activities, school… whatever matters to them.  Trust me, they have had enough food/weight/ body/ therapy talk!
4. Ask: “How can I support you?”  Everyone has their own preferred (and effective) kinds of support- talking, crying, distraction, humor, help with meal prep, or just sitting quietly together.  And after you ask, listen.
5. Don’t talk about diet, exercise, food (good or bad, healthy or unhealthy), or comment on other people’s bodies (including strangers, TV characters, etc).  Even if you think your comment is helpful (or “right”), it will not likely be heard as you intended… best to just not go there.
6. During meals, engage in light, pleasant conversation and provide minimal, gentle encouragement only if necessary.  Remember, it is not your job to make them eat, but a quiet prompt to “do the best you can” may help.
7. Run interference at parties, dinners, or other occasions where people may engage in diet talk.  Distract, change the subject, provide supportive eye contact, or pull your loved one away from a potentially triggering conversation.
8. Plan meals ahead or time and try to avoid last minute changes, at least for a while.  These changes often cause distress and decrease chances of a successful meal experience.  Be patient… flexibility with meals will come later in recovery.
9. Finally, please take care of yourself.  You cannot be a good support if you are overwhelmed and suffering.  This may sound like a tall order when someone you love is hurting, but if you fall apart, you will not be there to lean on.   For more information, please refer to the Caregiver Self Care blog at www.narinsedc.com .

Hopefully, you now have a sense of what might help.  Never be afraid to consult your professional team if you need additional guidance.  Narins EDC staff are here to help!